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not an orphan.

"No, I will not abandon you as orphans--I will come to you. Soon, the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will KNOW that I am in my Father, and you are in Me, and I am in you."

In. Such intimacy. Blood. Flesh. His body, the Bread that offers complete sustenance and familiarity. Integral nourishment. Living.
"We will come and make our home in them" moné: dwelling place

I have a confession. This afternoon at lunch, I declared some truth to my son about selfishness. I had not scooped enough peas for my baby before giving the rest to my older kids so I was asking him for some of his to give her, since he had also eaten a hefty chunk of cucumber. He didn't want to let any of them go.
I don't remember specific words, but since it's been explained to me under Christ's yoke of discipline toward my own selfishness, here's the glory and the gravity:

All selfishness is rooted in fear of lack. Have you heard the song "Where Your Treasure Is"from Steve Green? It was playing and I told my son to listen. His resistance to his perceived loss was deafening him. But I asked if he knew what "storing up treasure in heaven" looked like. He said "no". So I described to him my own selfishness and Christ's work in me.

I was always afraid of giving away our provisions. Fear always reveals an idol, and mine was my body and health. The quality of the food I choose, rather than inspiring gratitude for God's gift, was the focus of my desire. To lose sight of a Good Thing as the gift that it is is to lose the ability to offer it back to God. With a mindset that acknowledges His nature and kindness, there is no longer any fear that I won't have all that I need.

"Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10.

As I explained this to my son, that his fear was coming from a lie--that he would not have enough if he offered some to his baby sister--his tantrum melted away and I hope the truth of abundant goodness soaked in. The more you give away, the more joy you receive. Whoever thinks he has not, even what he has will be taken away. "But you ask 'how are we robbing you?' The evidence of our idolatry is in our FEAR OF LACK.

Here's where it got detoxifying for me. I like to write in the afternoons, while the baby naps. But I also like to shower first, in order to relieve the evening time of hurry. The older two were still eating when I put the baby down, so I told them, "go ahead and finish quietly, I want to get started on my shower". I took my water and up to the shower I went. As I prepared, I heard "do not fear those that can harm the body...". As I usually do, when I hear a Word, I pursue it. What came up was Luke 12: "be on your guard against the leaven of the Pharisees." When I read about leaven, my ears perk up. So I dug into the meaning of the word Pharisee. The word's origin means "separatist". Another "ping", as I believe separation is the characteristic of hell that so much disease and disaster has sprung up from. It went on "which is hypocrisy" meaning: "under-judging" or "acting under a mask". 
The Holy Spirit whispered purify. When I take showers, I like to do what's called a "contrast shower". The method is to alternate cold and hot, for three rounds, in order to open the blood vessels, and then cause them to contract in order to increase flow and process through the kidneys to remove ill substance. As I'm doing this, I'm hearing "hypocrisy". 

So faithful to confront what is of death. That dang leaven of the Pharisees showed up again. So after the shower I had the opportunity to wring out the bad. This is the gift of confession and repentance. I have this sense of dread about turning the water cold. My flesh liked the cozy feeling of a hot shower, but it wasn't squeezing things out like alternating cold and hot. Of course it isn't easy to tell my two children that I had seen in me the very fear of lack I didn't want to see in Him. That sense of poverty, of not having enough. 

Here is the basic circle of death: fear of lack > mental, spiritual and physical poverty > powerlessness and then back to fear of lack. 

I think most of us get trapped in this circle and can't figure out how to get out. I'm fresh out of exile. An abandoned, desolate place. The Greek word in John 14:18 for orphan, means desolate.

I had believed that I needed to care for my own body. I couldn't release my grip on this. That's when fear stole my life.

By Christ's physical body being broken and His blood being poured, my body, not just my mind and spirit are His investment.

Holding my body and its nourishment back from Him actually resulted in my poverty--I was rejecting my full inheritance by chasing shadows.

I'm seeing the table is fully loaded with healing for bodies, minds and spirits and I'd like to pull out a chair, take up a towel, and start washing some scared, timid, diseased, worn out feet.

We aren't acting like sons and daughters.

I think the reason I was withholding my body from His fullness had to do with my desires and appetites--but we are lying to ourselves if we say what we have is better than what He's offering. Usually, if I'm afraid of giving Him full authority over something it's because I know I'm holding onto something I'm convicted by. I knew I wasn't free.  I couldn't freely give. I couldn't sow generously. I couldn't invest in His house. It was Haggai 1: "Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.”

I firmly believe that the reason we are not seeing physical healing in the Church is because our faith is restricted to our minds and spirits. God does not force Himself on us, but our complete inheritance is reflected in how much of our selves we place under His care.

Watch a nursing infant. They don't see their milk. But the confidence that their original home will meet every need for body, mind and spirit is a demonstration of what faith can look like. And you'll never see a mother more giddy than one whose infant is fully satisfied and at rest in her arms.

The kind of faith I want requires full engagement under the yoke of Christ, mind, spirit, and body. Attentive student. I am a disciple-maker only because I am a disciple.

The thing that inhibits this kind of integral, actual faith is what we like to call "knowledge".
The more we think we know about food, the more fear we have. The more we think we know about germs, the more timid and paranoid we become. "The pagans are worried about these things!" The more we focus on the gifts themselves, the more stingy and fearful we become about them.

A fully yielded mind, body and spirit receives Good Things without gripping, without timidity, without any fear of abandonment or lack. And He gives rest to those He loves.

I thought my body wasn't free and healed because of my wound. It turned out it was because of my idols.
In Matthew 17:19, Jesus' disciples ask him "why couldn't we drive it out?" (referring to a demon). Jesus answered "because of your little faith". 

I know that's not the answer I would have hoped to hear. But I know this: even a non-Jewish centurion who confessed Christ's dominion over the human body of his servant and it's health, 

I feel like the kid declaring that the emperor is unclothed. My friends! We hold back our bodies in order to serve our appetites which are ENSLAVING US, and asking Him why *He* isn't healing us or through us!! He doesn't force His way with us, so anything not willingly submitted is something you are not taking as your inheritance.

Back to hypocrisy: under-judging. A defiant unwillingness to confront something that is mastering me. The root of my fear was trying to maintain control of my own pleasure. An unwillingness to release my indulgence in my flesh. My abs. My appetite. My home. My health.

Fear always has a root in an idol. Idols are just gifts separated from their Source. 

If my health is my idol, I will be afraid of all threats to it. 
If it is a Good Thing, simply a gift received in context, I will not abuse or squander it, I will be able to honor the One who dwells in it and who gave it to me without fear.

That's how you can wash feet carrying disease and illness without a single fear. I'm sure Jesus knew all the details about the sickness and disgusting matter He humbly wiped away. But He knew who he was.

Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

We can apply our knowledge about the body and become afraid, or we can know the One who made it is also the One who paid for it and not fear a single thing that can happen to it.


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