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❃But you have upheld me because of my integrity, and set me in your presence forever. Psalms 41:12 
❃The righteous who walks in his integrity— blessed are his children after him! Proverbs 20:7 
❃Vindicate me, O Lord , for I have walked in my integrity, and I have trusted in the Lord without wavering. Psalms 26:1 
❃He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrityProverbs 2:7 
❃I will ponder the way that is blameless. Oh when will you come to me? I will walk with integrity of heart within my house; I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me. Psalms 101:2‭-‬3

My understanding of integrity was flawed. I thought it just meant honest, true, keeping your word.

It's actually being in agreement, unity of the Spirit, with God. Mind. Body. Spirit. Everything a person does flows from this.

I went to yoga teacher training. I believe that God orchestrated this to open my eyes to my person as a mind, a body and a spirit, as well as introducing me to my beautiful friend Sunny. I love you Sunny!

Afterward, I still sensed a major lack in my understanding of somatic therapies so I pursued knowledge. One book exposed to me the wounding I had carried in my body from my youth, some of the reasons I rejected intimacy. But I confess, no matter how much I knew or practiced, I still sensed the lack of integration I was looking for. Under every green tree...that was a prophecy over my own idolatry. They think their prayers will be answered by repetitive words. That also was a prophecy over my attempts to integrate myself. This is embarrassing to admit, but I found myself sitting beneath my backyard maple, breathing the names YHVH, Yeshua, Ruach. Father, Son, Spirit. As I did this, I used my hands to flip through beads of stone to make sure I stayed focused on the repetitions. I'm actually nauseous as I write this. It is confession of actual adultery. I plead with you to take notice if you seek healing anywhere but Jesus Christ. It comes to my attention that there are those attempting to co-opt reiki. I myself tried to co-opt properties of stones, just like the heathen who does not know the actual healer. The ones who devise to heal themselves by their own breath and movement, by anything but complete faith are fools. I was an extreme fool. I tell you this because I know I have led other people astray and it sickens me. Being reconciled to God means full confession and humility. I was wrong.

I also have


GOOD NEWS. It's been told to me that I have beautiful feet. These were a gift by a merciful God who saw my redemption before I ever used them to stray. Here I am, offering that really good news!

Neither integrity nor healing comes from being "integrated" by yoga, breathing, meditation, energy work, somatic therapy, or counseling.

This is why I remained depressed, addicted, angry, bored, anxious, and stuck on myself. I thought integrity was something I had to live up to. So I clung to my work, diligently making an idol for myself of holistic lifestyle.

What is beautiful is that the very thing I was entangled in was used to reveal to me what integrity really means.

Mind, Body and Spirit. In agreement. Fully at home. Vulnerable and at ease. This is what was lost in Eden.

Of all the teachings about shame, somatically stored trauma, psychological healing, physical methods of releasing mental and spiritual burdens, the One who explained this to me made it complete and lacking nothing.

The Word. To hear His voice satisfies me. Of course it does--it is the same Word which caused my existence and the existence of all I have ever seen. All creation submits to the directive of His command. Of course I am fully at home only when in Jesus. Jesus blood purchased holiness, which is to say complete integration and acceptance into the family. Here is where we recline at table with the King of Heaven and Earth. 

Here is why I felt incapable of letting go of my own techniques-- I wasn't spending enough time with Him to know what He is capable of and desires to offer me. 
Those who know Your name trust in You because You have not abandoned those who seek You, Yahweh. Psalms 9:10
What He offered to me when I stopped my own methods of education and discipline (religion) and listened was the truth that only in He would I find the healing, integrity, and wholeness I wanted, and that this was the place of full joy and experience of Life.

I had to let go of myself. He who loses his life for my sake will find it.
Every compensation effort, in physical healing, strength, appetite, parenting. I just had to quit "adding to" what He did on the cross already.

It is finished. τετελέσται
You can be at home with God. Integrated. Fulfilled. Belong. At ease. Confident. Healed.

Not within your "spiritual discipline", religion, or the pleasure of earth but inside of Jesus.

Why do we cheat ourselves out of our full inheritance? Is it because we think the merciful and compassionate Creator only seeks to take what we hope for? That has been my mindset for most of my life. If I hope, if I have a spark of interest, He will crush it. 

Do you want to know how you think God sees you? Pay attention to how you relate to your children.
Religious and demanding?
Behavior management?
Tolerated but annoying?
Always trying to get away from them?
Critical and demeaning?
Fully engaged, fruitful discipleship.
A pleasure to be with.
Ready to offer wisdom.
Overjoyed to provide nourishment.
Eager to surprise with gifts.
Pure pleasure in intimacy.

A reconciled person is fully at ease and knows the kind of Father He is.
This is where I can defiantly proclaim that "I have all that I need", any time the accuser tempts me to think that I will run out of anything: time, patience, energy, food, capacity to bless. These are humanity problems. Inhabited by the Spirit of the Living God, a full-blood daughter, I can reject all of this. Jesus declares that fears will overwhelm. His words ring true.

How does the blood of Jesus become my opportunity to opt out of fear?
Integration. Knowing I am a foreigner and His Kingdom is my authority.


There is no way for all three to be in agreement outside of Jesus Christ. This is why we have methods and practices, because we know we are un-whole. Religion sprouts out of this poverty, our inability to control and integrate the pieces of ourselves.

The Lord has called me to integral living. This means I keep watch for falsehood and disintegration.
In communication--the mind, body and spirit working as one.
In everyday work--the mind, body and spirit working as one.
In parenting--the mind, body and spirit working as one.

Based on the seeking of control over our habits of distraction, it is evident that WE KNOW we are disintegrated. But what we are doing is trying to heal ourselves. This is an unholy attempt. Remember anything disconnected from it's Life Source is dead, anything separated from itself is dead.

The only way for me to not be separated from myself--the mind somewhere in the virtual (false) world, the body here in my home, the spirit (breath) short and for all of me to continually submit to the presence of the Spirit within me. We will keep trying to manufacture holiness, reconcile our inability to get close to God, and manage our own sin until we know where to find integrity.

I'd tried to get it from breath itself. The mind still scrapped for peace and sought fullness by distraction.

It is our disintegration that keeps us trying to take responsibility for reintegrating ourselves--think "fig leaves".

Trying to reintegrate ourselves only leads to further disintegration. For me personally, everything I found it difficult to release proved to be the result of being compelled by a sense of lack. What if the exact reason we feel shame on our bodies is because we know what we are consuming is not being offered by God?

I did not know that my grasping for integration by holistic lifestyle choices was trampling the Son of God underfoot.
I repent.

Adultery and idolatry are the same thing. They are death (separation of one's self from God) manifesting.

Holiness and integrity are the same thing. They are Life--a complete, integral connection to God by His Spirit through His Son manifesting.

It manifests as I work. If I reach for a podcast in my lack, I become anxious. If I reach for food in my lack, I become ashamed. If I become religious in my lack, I become prideful, and also fearful and confused because despite my appearance of good I still sense lack.

He opened my eyes to the reality that every pursuit of authenticity through real food, a healthy body, were misapplied attention.

"Education" is learning separated from it's purpose.
The purpose of a mind is to direct attention to the Source.

Babies are like homing devices. They understand nothing about the mind, body or spirit but they know home. They know their source. It requires no knowledge post-birth to seek and be satisfied. 

This is how real wisdom, real intimacy, and real pleasure from nourishment come from. Presence.
I've been an idolater, pursuing pleasure and information for my own gain. 

Neither instagram nor sugar are "control problems"...I looked at people with sugar addictions and judged them with a lack of restraint, yet at the same time I had an inability to control my addiction to disintegrated "connection". The dopamine without the satiety.

Our inability to stay present or wait are not our main problems. These are death manifesting out of a separation from the Bread of the Presence--fullness by engaged attention to the Words that He breathes in every circumstance and activity. If we do this, we release the need to apply knowledge in ways that are designed to convict others because we've acknowledged the True Source is not us--therefore He is faithful to impart it through His Spirit.

This is wisdom. He offers it, it cries aloud. But unless we release our opinions of "knowledge" we can't receive it.
This is nourishment. He designs and grows it, it abounds in the light. But unless we release our idea of "pleasure", we can't be filled with His Goodness.
This is intimacy. He satisfies a human's need for connection in every way. But unless we stop chasing shadows of connection, we will stay addicted to falsehoods.

All that is required to gain eternal perspective on what I am doing, here and now, and do it with integrity, is to engage my attention with the Holy Spirit and the perfection of Jesus' blood making that available. Humility.

The integral Source offers integrity, integration. His name is Jesus.


  1. As you stated. He is faithful to impart through His Spirit! Amen!


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