It's been a bit. The Lord has been cleansing my heart of many devious weeds. Again, self-righteousness, discontents, the frustrating things that come from unbelief.
When I say "unbelief" I don't mean I stopped praying or mentally knowing that YHVH is the answer for everything I need, but various physical things took my attention off of acknowledging this often enough to remain joyful in all circumstances.
I texted Drew the other day: "how did I lose the keys to the Kingdom? I feel like I'm tolerating life, when I KNOW I can be FULL of Life".
"If they have escaped the corruption of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and are again entangled in it and are overcome, they are worse off at the end than they were at the beginning."
2 Peter 2:20 NIV
This Word hit the target as I was doing box jumps the other day. KNOWING HIM and again getting tangled in this realm to my destruction is worse--because I have tasted and experienced His goodness. My appetite is never the same because I can sense and recognize fullness and I knew I didn't have it.
The keys to the kingdom.
This. This very thing here, right now. The present.
Is a: Recognition of a specific reality.
Good: The character (identifying mark) of YHVH alone.
Thing: A visible representation, a shadow, not The Lord Himself but a physical proof.
To be alert to Every Good Gift...this is where FULLNESS lives. Peace and contentment, the experience of no lack, in any way, are fruits of fullness. To HAVE the gifts and not acknowledge them, is a dry and desolate place. It breeds fears, anxieties such as "what if the source stops?", discontent, coveting, frustration. I've been dwelling (not Living, but existing) in that place of death for too long.
He is Good, Merciful. This is proof that He can draw us out of the pit no matter how stubborn and rebellious our hearts.
I've been missing the fruit of a heart at peace. The integral discipleship of my children. The willingness to submit to a challenge for increase of strength. The constant gratitude for Good Things--especially the ones that are hard to swallow: Waiting. Trouble. Discomfort. Uphill. Breakdown. These things themselves aren't my problem, but each time they invite me to face the problem: idolatry.
Seeing my postpartum body as a "problem to fix". Texting my husband or the pleasure of foods in my time of need instead of seeking my Deliverer. Criticizing my children's ill behaviors, disintegrated attention and lack of submission and acting as though they are the problem--when in reality, often they are a revelation for my own sin. These young souls manifest His mercy more often than not. Not because they are perfect but because they are the part of The Inheritance that are able to reveal our wicked, devious hearts AND enlighten us upon the fierce Love of Abba.
I confess I've felt forsaken, alone in my trouble and unable to see. To perceive the Kingdom of Heaven in the everyday occurrences that I KNEW were supposed to bring me to my knees in gratitude and repentance...that's where I wanted to be and I could not get there! Why the hard heart, Lord? What are You doing? How have I known the Way and heard the Word and been so altogether whole, and now find myself submitting to lies and thoughts that "I'm not loved, He's not listening because I _____."
Since when was my holiness about my own deeds? How did I return to thinking I could bring it on or lose it by my deeds? This is unbelief. Unwillingness to submit to His holiness and know He is always enough, so that I am free to notice and repeat again and again what mercy He is having right here, right now on me. Proof that I cannot attain to, compensate up to, the kindness of Jesus. The full knowledge that in every way, I will have all I need because He offers it.
Being alert, having the lamp full of oil. Ready to bear witness to my soul and others around me that every good gift is proof of His Authority and mercy to me. As my attention was submitted to the physical gifts themselves and not the Author and Giver, I felt drier and drier, hungrier and hungrier. I sensed the lack of satiety but wholeness felt so far out of reach!
Today, I give Him thanks and praise because He has reminded me that acknowledging Him and receiving His love through each gift, is the path to His presence that I kept turning away from.
Enter His gates WITH (through) thanksgiving, and His courts WITH (through) praise. Give thanks to Him, bless His name. Psalms 100:4
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